Good morning, friends. Recently I blogged about an aspect of friendship that I promised to follow up on. Here’s what I said: “Imagine if we chose to apply humor or even compassion to our friend’s tendency to (fill in the blanks). How might our actions change the eventual outcome of our friendships?” Think about that for a moment, remembering that it’s infinitely easier to look at what the other did “to” us (or to simply shoot ourselves down) than it is to examine what's really happened. Sometimes, the culprit is neither them, nor us, nor any person. Rather it’s something much more hidden. It has to do with our perceptions, how we see the world. That is what we will focus on today.
When asked, “What is the nature of friendship?” many people will simply reply “Everybody knows what friendship is.” But do they? How do we learn this valuable information? Was it at home? at school? All the above? In truth, our definition of what it means to be a friend is based upon perceptions that stretch all the way back to childhood. It is because our perceptions are so integral to who we are that we find it so difficult to separate them out. Yet, a primary way people negatively impact their friendships is to underestimate the importance of how they see things (a look, a word, even a kiss). Needless to say, perception is an aspect of friendship that one rarely thinks about. So in sorting this out, it is important to ask yourself, “What is your perception of friendship? How do you personally define what a friend is?”
Lastly, as Amazon Sage enters the quiet room at the funeral parlour, Chris is sitting, head down, but not alone in sorrow. Chris’s Grandmother sits nearby and speaks softly. “It is not your fault that this tragedy happened. Your parents did their best to provide you a good home so that's why you are now with me. Know that I am always here for you, no matter what and I will never, ever leave you.” Two months later, Chris’s grandmother died.
When asked, “What is the nature of friendship?” many people will simply reply “Everybody knows what friendship is.” But do they? How do we learn this valuable information? Was it at home? at school? All the above? In truth, our definition of what it means to be a friend is based upon perceptions that stretch all the way back to childhood. It is because our perceptions are so integral to who we are that we find it so difficult to separate them out. Yet, a primary way people negatively impact their friendships is to underestimate the importance of how they see things (a look, a word, even a kiss). Needless to say, perception is an aspect of friendship that one rarely thinks about. So in sorting this out, it is important to ask yourself, “What is your perception of friendship? How do you personally define what a friend is?”To assist us in this, Amazon Sage time-travelled to the childhood of a few people to see how they learned about being a friend. She started with Jake, a guy who once accused a caring woman of not caring about him. The amazing thing is that she considered him a good friend and cared for him more than he knew; right up to the time he cut off contact and went to fight a war somewhere, as a mercenary soldier. As Amazon Sage arrives, a 12 year old Jake is in the middle of a discussion with his father and older brother. Both are members of paramilitary groups.
Jake’s father, John, Sr., sternly stares at his two sons as he instructs them in the ways of the world: “Boys, you know you can never trust anybody. There’s no such thing as loyalty unless it’s your own blood relative; especially with women. Your own mother was nothing but a liar and a cheat. Always remember, the sweeter she is, the more likely she’ll rip your heart out. So if a woman shows interest in you, know she’s only interested in one thing; to be taken care of... and I don’t mean sex. So if that’s what you want, then take her, but remember this; she’ll stab you in the back first chance she gets.”
Amazon Sage was glad to leave there and arrived at the home of Sue Ellen, where this young girl was engaged in a different kind of conversation. It appears that her mom is on psychotropic drugs or has have been drinking and Sue Ellen is trying with all her might to get her to stop crying. There is no one else, no father, no brothers or sisters, so Sue Ellen knows that she is all her mother has. Finally, Sue Ellen’s mom screams out, “Child, if you weren’t so dang clumsy, I wouldn’t be so miserable all the time!” Sue Ellen fights back tears and tries even harder to do everything perfectly. That's something she continues to this day. Unfortunately, it makes everyone around her uncomfortable since they feel like they can never live up to her standards.
Lastly, as Amazon Sage enters the quiet room at the funeral parlour, Chris is sitting, head down, but not alone in sorrow. Chris’s Grandmother sits nearby and speaks softly. “It is not your fault that this tragedy happened. Your parents did their best to provide you a good home so that's why you are now with me. Know that I am always here for you, no matter what and I will never, ever leave you.” Two months later, Chris’s grandmother died.So, dear readers, consider how each of these three friends might react if you told them “I will always be here for you!” Would Jake believe you? Would Sue Ellen like that? How about Chris? What if instead, you added some humor and with a soft chuckle said “...that is, if I’m not dying with the flu or have a bad case of ‘montezuma’s revenge; because I'm sure not perfect.” When in doubt, remember my favorite quote from Anais Nin? “We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.”
